One of my professors said something interesting to me today, something I've been thinking about a lot in the past couple of weeks. She pointed out that she knows I can be a very good teacher, if I'd only show up. Teachers used to say I'm very smart, if I'd only do my work. Now, they don't even care if I do my work, they just want me to show up. And I still can't even do that.
The problem is, I'm just unreliable. Medication, mental and emotional disorders, a terrible diet, and a sleep schedule that has never been normal all collaborate to make me sleep through classes and work shifts with terrible regularity. If it weren't for this, I could easily be carrying a GPA a full point higher than it is.
But that makes me think. Should I be punished for this? Probably not. I try my hardest, I really do. And days like today, where I fuck up, where I can't seem to be the grown-up everyone really wants me to be, it's hard for me not to come home and just wallow in self-pity. Nobody yelled at me or disciplined me today, but I still feel like a failure, and like I'll never amount to anything. I feel like I'm wasting my potential, because I can do so much, but I can't seem to drag my ass the places it needs to be so I can do things.
But my professor also asked if I'm sure I want to be a teacher. No, no I'm not sure. Not sure at all. I know I love to teach. I know I love English. I know I'm very, very good at both, because I'm a junior in college and barely touch my books, but I consistently score highly in these subjects. But as I get closer to that degree, I'm less and less sure I want it.
I'm not sure I can work within such a defined structure. Our education system sucks, and there's little to nothing I can do to directly fix the issue. That kind of thing always pisses me off, and I'm signing up to deal with it for five days a week until I retire.
My teaching style is very liberal. Like... radically liberal. And I'm starting to doubt that I'll get a teaching job that won't hurt me to do. Because so much of what we have accepted and implemented in our schools today is wrong. Research shows it. Common sense shows it. Our students know it, and we know it. But we don't fix it. Because it's too hard, and because we can't operate within the fucked-up system we have otherwise. So we continue perpetuating a broken system, and the idea of being part of that kills me. But I may not get hired, otherwise.
Of course, many people ask why I'm pursuing teaching instead of computers. And honestly, I don't have a real answer anymore. It used to be that I loved to teach, and doing it as a job didn't hurt that love. Working with computers as a job seems soulless, lifeless, and painful. It would crush me to have something I love so much taken away from me, have its soul stripped away, and then force-fed back to me.
And yet, in about twenty minutes I'm meeting with a friend who wants to incorporate a software company with me. And I'm excited about the idea. And have customers lined up and waiting. And teaching is seeming more and more oppressive, with less room to maneuver.
Honestly, if I weren't three semesters away from a degree, I'd probably switch majors. I just can't see myself becoming normal in time for me to teach.
While not an educator myself, I've been through the same system. I graduated high school, followed by college with a BS in computer science. I agree with all of your assessments of the system and, sadly, the most likely outcome if you pursued teaching. I don't want to drive you away from that because, truth be told, there aren't enough good teachers in the world. If they make it into the system to begin with, they probably don't stay because they're overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated. That's probably just an unavoidable consequence of the system that's in place, because they're mostly powerless to change it.
ReplyDeleteJust from what I've been able to see at this distance, I think you have an excellent command of the English language and that you'd be a great teacher. I also think you'd be a great software developer, if that's what you want to do. I don't think that industry is as bad an industry to work in as you make it out to be. It really depends on the company you work for. It can indeed be soulless, lifeless, and painful, but it can also be the reason you look forward to getting up in the morning.
Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best of luck and will support you in that decision however I can from where I am.
Best wishes,
Matt
I think you're the only one who can know what's best for you. Even if you don't know, yet. Just, I'd caution against settling because you feel like it's too late to change your mind. It's never too late.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of constraints on what teachers do, but honestly, there is also an amount of freedom that might surprise you, if you're in a supportive environment that respects you as a professional. Big "if" these days though.
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, and the support. I appreciate it. :)
I'm sure the industry as a whole is not as bad as it sounds. I'm sure working for most companies isn't worthy of reporting to clientsfromhell.net, I worry that I'll be stuck somewhere that is. Or doing something I find distasteful. Or something of that nature. I also have a huge insecurity about being good enough to write software professionally, because I've held amateur status for so long.
While I only found your blog about two minutes ago (thanks, @k8nowak!), I'm left to wonder if you are the type of person who might lack motivation to do things solely for your own benefit, but happy and motivated to work for the good of others. I've had students like that - they won't turn in their homework but they'll volunteer to work the concession stand or do trash pickup.
ReplyDeleteI might be totally wrong, but this happens to describe you I wouldn't give up on the thoughts of being a teacher, either in the immediate or perhaps more distant future. Many teachers put in long hours every day (not just the five that you mentioned above) not because they really enjoy grading papers or planning lessons, but because they feel an immense (and satisfying) sense of responsibility to their students. Most of the work we have as teachers we create for ourselves, and within that structure you can find some of the freedom that Kate mentions in her comment above.
Whether this happens to describe you or not, there's more than one way to be a teacher. Lying beyond the research and rhetoric about education and your doubts in yourself and the system is the relationship you could have with your students. It's a powerful thing -- so important, in fact, that I hesitate to judge any teacher unless I have first-hand knowledge of that relationship. For that reason, I can't judge if you'll be a successful teacher or not, although many others will try.
Best of luck with whatever path you choose today, tomorrow, or beyond.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, kind words, and retweet. :) I know it's never too late to change course, especially at twenty, but I'm hesitant to. First, I don't want to be the one to tell my parents I'm graduating in 2014 instead of 2012, because I'm switching majors at the last minute. Second, I cannot be legally hired as a teacher without a degree in education. I can, however, practice as a software engineer, even if my degree is in education. I'm still just trying to feel out where I want my life to go, so I can work on getting it there.
And as for your last point, that's what I'm afraid of. Part of the lure in teaching is knowing that somewhere out there, there's a supportive, helpful administration that will help me to be the best teacher I can be. But Google will do that with me, too, as a Software Engineer. And I figure my odds of finding and getting hired by that helpful administration are about equal to the odds of me getting hired by Google.
Raymond,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reply and well-wishes. I agree with you, regarding relationships. A lot of my doubts come from not knowing where I'll find the rewarding and positive relationships that make a job attractive. Software can either be a cubicle farm or a code shop. The job title doesn't really set the environment. Teaching can either be a cooperative effort with administrators, students, and teachers, or it can be a battle with one or all of them. I just don't know which I'm more likely to be stuck with, in either situation.
As to whether or not I'm a "giver", I'm not really sure. Both jobs are a lot of work, and require a lot from their practitioners off the clock. But I'm ok with that, as long as I'm passionate about what I'm doing. I like to make cool things. Whether that's a student who sees the world in a new way or a piece of software that does something to make lives easier, I like doing it. But if I'm not passionate about what I'm doing, then God help whoever is supervising me, because there will be trouble.
Hey bud,
ReplyDeleteDamn right is the system broken, and I know it's unlikely that I'll be able to change much, but it's something that I really care about. It's the same education system that held me back all my life, and I'm working to be a teacher to fix these problems.
I feel like I know where you're coming from, and I question myself and my education degree all the time, but I'm so close to the end that I may as well stick with it. Even if I don't teach when I get done here. I know it's a tough decision, but I know that whatever happens with you, you will be awesome no matter what :-)
-Arthur